While watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000, "You know we ougt to pause it and make our own commercials."

"I want to be a nutrition expert so I can tell people to eat dog shit, and they'll be like, 'Oh, did you hear about that new dog shit diet?' "

Oh yeah, I was gonna patent fire too. Bad idea. Need I say more.

I once wanted to patent the wheel, after much critisism from my closest friends I decided against it. Seriously who patented the wheel, no one. Oh well, I could of been rich.

A historic quote.
"Wouldn't it be cool if Iraq and Korea joined forces and fought us together."

"I didn't know black people lived in Iceland"

I checked out my stupid roomates claim that it is illegal to eat while driving, it is in fact false. Nowhere is there a law that says you can't eat and drive.

I just found out it's illegal to eat and drive. This came about after commenting that they shouldn't put words on the Taco Bell hot sauce packets because "Its hard enough putting it on your food while driving without having to read it first."